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The Eggplant
UN Enlists Residence Advisor to Arbitrate Russia-Ukraine Conflict
UN Enlists Residence Advisor to Arbitrate Russia-Ukraine Conflict

With nearly every major world power weighing in on this issue, it seems the balance of the whole geopolitical order is in shambles.

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The Eggplant FSUMarch 8, 2022
That One Guy Who Broke the Washers Downstairs Is Now Popping up Everywhere Because He’s Stalking You.
That One Guy Who Broke the Washers Downstairs Is Now Popping up Everywhere Because He’s Stalking You.

Every year, a new group of freshmen rolls into Tallahassee thinking that college is going to be a #litcrazymovie and that they’ll “find themselves” while they’re here.

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The Eggplant FSUMarch 1, 2022
The Black Mold Found in Williams Now Gives English Majors Something To Do After College, Die.
The Black Mold Found in Williams Now Gives English Majors Something To Do After College, Die.

Over the past few weeks, there have been reports of Black Mold, radon, and other carcinogens in select Florida State Buildings.

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The Eggplant FSUFebruary 14, 2022
Suwannee Experiments with Meat-Based Vegetables
Suwannee Experiments with Meat-Based Vegetables

Suwannee Room, aka Mrs. Killings’ office, is the most prominent dining hall on the Florida State campus, sorry Seminole Cafe.

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The Eggplant FSUFebruary 12, 2022
Teenage Mutant Ninja Squirrels Discovered in Sandals Building Drain
Teenage Mutant Ninja Squirrels Discovered in Sandals Building Drain

Campus has been so calm recently…perhaps too calm.

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The Eggplant FSUFebruary 6, 2022
Emily Mariko Named Suwannee’s New Head Chef
Emily Mariko Named Suwannee’s New Head Chef

As much as we all love the miles and miles of comfort food that Suwannee provides, FSU’s branding team decided it was time to take the dining hall to the next level.

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The Eggplant FSUFebruary 6, 2022
Mom and Pops to Close Indefinitely After Mom Found Pops With That Skank Bitch Denise Again
Mom and Pops to Close Indefinitely After Mom Found Pops With That Skank Bitch Denise Again

Together, the parental duo have been feeding weenies to hungry Noles all over campus in their three surprisingly convenient locations.

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The Eggplant FSUFebruary 5, 2022
The University of Miami Renamed “UMM…” After Devastating Loss to FSU
The University of Miami Renamed “UMM…” After Devastating Loss to FSU

It seems yet again the University of Miami just falls short of Florida State University in every way except tuition.

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The Eggplant FSUJanuary 31, 2022
Florida Man Discovered Living in an FSView Newsstand for 30 Years
Florida Man Discovered Living in an FSView Newsstand for 30 Years

The FSView is one of the longest-running news networks at Florida State.

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The Eggplant FSUJanuary 26, 2022
Club Downunder Announces New Lecturer and Elmo Rival, Rocco, Here To Explain His Side of the Story
Club Downunder Announces New Lecturer and Elmo Rival, Rocco, Here To Explain His Side of the Story

If you haven’t heard of the new hot drama, you must not watch Sesame Street.

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The Eggplant FSUJanuary 24, 2022
Market Wednesday To Host New “Black Market Thursday” Sister Event
Market Wednesday To Host New “Black Market Thursday” Sister Event

You can browse cute jewelry, get harassed by a variety of clubs and fraternities, and the male manipulators can thrift for overpriced curated vintage: it’s got something for everyone!

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The Eggplant FSUJanuary 20, 2022
Paint a Pot Wants You to Know It’s Still There
Paint a Pot Wants You to Know It’s Still There

In a resounding effort to improve mental health across campus, student union services have been pushing the agenda of the notorious on-campus ‘Paint a Pot.’

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The Eggplant FSUJanuary 11, 2022
Her Campus: You Can’t ALL Be Good at Writing!
Her Campus: You Can’t ALL Be Good at Writing!

Anyone with social media knows Her Campus is the best place to get your fill of sorority news.

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The Eggplant FSUDecember 2, 2021
Student Who Just Became FSU Football Fan Sad Team Lost Again
Student Who Just Became FSU Football Fan Sad Team Lost Again

For many, FSU football games are just a partying ritual.

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The Eggplant FSUDecember 1, 2021
Recent Report Shows 4 Rivers Employees Feeling “Awfully Left Out” From All Other Campus Eateries With Lines Out the Door
Recent Report Shows 4 Rivers Employees Feeling “Awfully Left Out” From All Other Campus Eateries With Lines Out the Door

A recent and very official campus census report from an FSU accounting major turned up results that prove FSU’S Class of 2025 has pushed us to the brink of campus overpopulation.

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The Eggplant FSUNovember 29, 2021
Jake Gyllenhaal Reportedly Crucified Atop Union Scaffolding Following “All Too Well (10 Minute Version) (Taylor’s Version)” Release
Jake Gyllenhaal Reportedly Crucified Atop Union Scaffolding Following “All Too Well (10 Minute Version) (Taylor’s Version)” Release

Swifties everywhere were absolutely, catastrophically, unprepared for the events of this past weekend, but there was perhaps no one less prepared than the culprit in question himself: Jake Gyllenhaal.

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The Eggplant FSUNovember 18, 2021
Ben Shapiro Talk Was Just One Big Humiliation Kink Rally
Ben Shapiro Talk Was Just One Big Humiliation Kink Rally

It’s one thing for a university to champion free thought, but it is another thing to bring a literal radical alt-right leprechaun onto campus.

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The Eggplant FSUNovember 18, 2021
The Demon Returns To Grant FSU a Miami Victory, Will Delay the Student Union by 2 Years in Exchange
The Demon Returns To Grant FSU a Miami Victory, Will Delay the Student Union by 2 Years in Exchange

Well folks, it happened. Against all odds, the Florida State Seminoles managed to play what was perhaps the most exciting football game in however long it's been since they were good.

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The Eggplant FSUNovember 17, 2021
Female Creative Writing Students Preemptively Changing Panties Ahead of Wednesday’s Dayglow Show
Female Creative Writing Students Preemptively Changing Panties Ahead of Wednesday’s Dayglow Show

Wednesday is going to be a big day for annoying people everywhere.

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The Eggplant FSUNovember 9, 2021
Breaking News: The Girlies Walking Around Campus with the Harry Styles’ Tour Shirts Saw Harry Styles at His Tour Where They Saw Harry Styles Perform at the Harry Styles Tour
Breaking News: The Girlies Walking Around Campus with the Harry Styles’ Tour Shirts Saw Harry Styles at His Tour Where They Saw Harry Styles Perform at the Harry Styles Tour

In recent news, Harry Styles’ “Love On Tour” has been forever altering the personalities of girly pops everywhere.

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The Eggplant FSUOctober 27, 2021
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  • The Eggplant FSU
    I haven’t showered since last year😭
    Apr 5, 2023, 8:42 AM
  • The Eggplant FSU
    Investigation into where the fuck those red chairs on landis went
    Apr 2, 2023, 1:42 PM
  • The Eggplant FSU
    We are unbelievably upset by the accusations laid out in this totally real letter we received. We will continue to… https://t.co/rl1b2cYlY5
    Apr 1, 2023, 2:51 PM
  • The Eggplant FSU
    hey fools, happy april🤭
    Apr 1, 2023, 1:23 PM
  • The Eggplant FSU
    Damn, this class is keeping me late🤯🤯🤯 (it ends at 4:20)
    Mar 29, 2023, 4:19 PM
  • The Eggplant FSU
    If our song and mirrorball are gone, what do i have to look forward to for the tampa show, taylor???? (i don’t have tickets)
    Mar 29, 2023, 1:30 PM

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