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The Eggplant
Dorm Room Pet Goldfish Didn’t Actually Die, Discovered To Have Mutated and Survived in the Tallahassee Sewer System
Dorm Room Pet Goldfish Didn’t Actually Die, Discovered To Have Mutated and Survived in the Tallahassee Sewer System

When it comes to freshman dorm life, unfortunately, a companion besides your creepy roommate usually leaves slim pickings.

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The Eggplant FSUOctober 12, 2022
Club Under Club Downunder Opens up Under Club Downunder
Club Under Club Downunder Opens up Under Club Downunder

The Tallahassee music scene, a gifted group of collegiate composers managed by but only a few pompous promoters, is seeing less competition every day.

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The Eggplant FSUOctober 6, 2022
Sad! Woman Gets More Spontaneous Calls From Spam Risk Numbers Than Friend
Sad! Woman Gets More Spontaneous Calls From Spam Risk Numbers Than Friend

“Losing friends is a part of growing up.”

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The Eggplant FSUOctober 2, 2022
Local Fraternity Claims They Contracted COOTIE-19
Local Fraternity Claims They Contracted COOTIE-19

The name Alpha Zeta Zeta has been in the news recently following the forgotten fraternity’s rise back into the mainstream.

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The Eggplant FSUOctober 1, 2022
FSU Libraries Unveil New Nap Time™️ Program
FSU Libraries Unveil New Nap Time™️ Program

They say God gives his most tired sleepyheads his longest naps, and it has never been clearer that the students of FSU are quite literally tired.

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The Eggplant FSUSeptember 25, 2022
Humanities Department Set for Record High Graduation Class for Fall
Humanities Department Set for Record High Graduation Class for Fall

Florida State University surpasses yet another lofty goal with this year's graduating class

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The Eggplant FSUSeptember 24, 2022
Jordan B’s Day Off
Jordan B’s Day Off

I, Jordan B, peek out from my living room and see that you’re still standing there.

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The Eggplant FSUMay 20, 2022
“Do You Remember My Name?” Says Man Who Doesn’t Know His ame, But Maybe If He Asks Everyone Someone Will Tell Him and Give Him a Hug and Call Him Silly Then Make Out With Him.
“Do You Remember My Name?” Says Man Who Doesn’t Know His ame, But Maybe If He Asks Everyone Someone Will Tell Him and Give Him a Hug and Call Him Silly Then Make Out With Him.

As the night settles, he lingers in the corner of the party. Waiting for the opportunity to strike.

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The Eggplant FSUMay 13, 2022
Are You Sentimental or a Hoarder? Pick a Struggle.
Are You Sentimental or a Hoarder? Pick a Struggle.

In the strange post-finals void, when you spent all that time studying to get an A but now don’t know if the heartache, mental breakdowns, sweat, diarrhea, and tears, were worth it; now you get to move out!

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The Eggplant FSUApril 27, 2022
Breaking News: The Person Swiping for Friends on Tinder Finally Found a Match!
Breaking News: The Person Swiping for Friends on Tinder Finally Found a Match!

Every person who has been on Tinder has stumbled upon a person who is just there to find a friend on an app literally made for sex.

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The Eggplant FSUApril 25, 2022
5 Ways to Prepare for the Most Beautiful Women You Know Outing Themselves as Ugly Man-Lovers
5 Ways to Prepare for the Most Beautiful Women You Know Outing Themselves as Ugly Man-Lovers

The trauma that is Valentine’s Day is officially over now, but the damage that the holiday has done is irreversible.

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The Eggplant FSUFebruary 28, 2022
How To Have a Nice Single Valentines Day
How To Have a Nice Single Valentines Day

So, once again, you have found yourself very single and very bitter on February 14th, the day of all days.

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The Eggplant FSUFebruary 14, 2022
Uh Oh! Quiplash Revealed the Racist Friend!
Uh Oh! Quiplash Revealed the Racist Friend!

Jackbox Games have long stood as the king of party games.

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The Eggplant FSUFebruary 10, 2022
Eggplant Horoscopes February 2022
Eggplant Horoscopes February 2022

New year new everything!

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The Eggplant FSUFebruary 2, 2022
BREAKING: You’re Not “Bad at Texting,” You are Just Bisexual
BREAKING: You’re Not “Bad at Texting,” You are Just Bisexual

Here at The Eggplant, we understand the hassles of having a busy schedule.

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The Eggplant FSUJanuary 27, 2022
ROTC Friend A Little Too Excited About His Uniform
ROTC Friend A Little Too Excited About His Uniform

The line of duty demands the biggest sacrifices from our veterans. The drip, it seems, is one of the biggest victims of active service.

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The Eggplant FSUJanuary 18, 2022
The Next Michael Jordan? This Guy Just Took His Shirt Off Playing Spikeball!
The Next Michael Jordan? This Guy Just Took His Shirt Off Playing Spikeball!

It’s January 10th on Landis Green, the air is exactly 70 degrees Fahrenheit and the sun is partially shrouded by a scattered collage of clouds.

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The Eggplant FSUJanuary 18, 2022
Uh Oh! Winter Break Reminded You That You Can’t Move Home After School!
Uh Oh! Winter Break Reminded You That You Can’t Move Home After School!

While going home over winter break mainly consists of sulking in one’s childhood bedroom while listening to a Phoebe Bridgers song that actually isn’t that relatable, many find it inspires much thought about post-grad living.

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The Eggplant FSUJanuary 13, 2022
Psychologists Have Proven That Hooking up with Your Ex While Home for the Holidays is Actually Really Healthy
Psychologists Have Proven That Hooking up with Your Ex While Home for the Holidays is Actually Really Healthy

Students across FSU’s campus reported a longing for nostalgia as the weather dropped for Thanksgiving break.

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The Eggplant FSUDecember 3, 2021
Girlfriend Who Dresses as Playboy Bunny With Hugh Hefner Boyfriend Actually in Extreme Distress
Girlfriend Who Dresses as Playboy Bunny With Hugh Hefner Boyfriend Actually in Extreme Distress

We all know Halloween is the true holiday of romance.

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The Eggplant FSUNovember 10, 2021
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  • The Eggplant FSU
    I haven’t showered since last year😭
    Apr 5, 2023, 8:42 AM
  • The Eggplant FSU
    Investigation into where the fuck those red chairs on landis went
    Apr 2, 2023, 1:42 PM
  • The Eggplant FSU
    We are unbelievably upset by the accusations laid out in this totally real letter we received. We will continue to… https://t.co/rl1b2cYlY5
    Apr 1, 2023, 2:51 PM
  • The Eggplant FSU
    hey fools, happy april🤭
    Apr 1, 2023, 1:23 PM
  • The Eggplant FSU
    Damn, this class is keeping me late🤯🤯🤯 (it ends at 4:20)
    Mar 29, 2023, 4:19 PM
  • The Eggplant FSU
    If our song and mirrorball are gone, what do i have to look forward to for the tampa show, taylor???? (i don’t have tickets)
    Mar 29, 2023, 1:30 PM

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